A Life Less Perfect

(Excerpts from Times Life-

Vinita Dawra Nangia

)

WOULDN’T it be wonderful if we could have made-to-order people in our lives? If, with the snap of a finger we could change the characteristics of people to suit our needs? To have understanding and encouraging parents, a romantic and caring husband, disciplined, dutiful kids and supportive and trustworthy friends. Not to talk of an appreciative boss generous with promotions and increments, and of course admiring and helpful colleagues. And yes even a dog that doesn’t bark the neighbours’ heads off and doesn’t poop all over the place!



Life would indeed be a cakewalk. And yet, something vital would be missing. Good is no good if there is no evil to compare it with. What’s the fun of a good old gossip session when there is nobody worth gossiping about? What’s the thrill of being an adolescent maverick when parents smilingly accept all? What good is a romantic moment that you haven’t agonised and had sleepless nights over? What good a promotion or increment that you haven’t had to fight for!


Ideal sounds good so long as it is beyond reach. Perfect sounds perfect from the prism of imperfect. And yet the moment you have it within reach, there could be nothing more boring than perfect! And anyway, what is perfect? Your perfect is bound to be another’s imperfect. Why, even your own definition of perfect changes from time to time, from year to year!


However, if not total perfection, all of us do find aspects of perfection in life and people around us. Why cannot that be enough for us to live a full life? Must we look for total perfection within one person alone? Can we not find little bits of perfection in a lot of people around us and learn to be satisfied with the sum total of that? A bit like going for a bouquet of wild flowers rather than carefully cultivated similar tubes of tulips or roses.

An aunt, who is seemingly one of the happiest people I have come across in life, told me long back that her secret was that she chose to look at only positive aspects of people around her. Each individual is multifaceted and it’s not necessary that we like or love every aspect. In fact, that’s impossible. It should be enough if we can relate to and be able to enjoy at least some aspects of an individual’s personality.

If a husband is dutiful and loving and understanding, must he be romantic as well? If a friend is dishonest in other aspects of life, must we apply our own sense of morality and give up the aspects of her personality we enjoy and relate to? So long as other aspects of their personality do not adversely affect us, why should we not make the most of what we do have? Must we throw away the baby with the dirty water?

No moment can be truly perfect. However, if we shut our eyes to the imperfections and learn to focus on what suits us, we can surely make it as near perfect as possible. We can apply the same trick with all those people important to us and make them perfect for us in this manner. The trick is to enjoy the best in another and to learn to accept the rest…

Emotions unloaded

"You should be emotional with the right person, at the right time, to the right degree". This is something I've come to believe strongly in off late. Precious somethings must be preserved for the worthy. Another quote that comes to my mind, thought not completely related is -" Don't advertise your sorrows, because there is no market for them". Reeks of truth, doesn't it ? Hardships in all hues and sizes aren't a new phenomenon. They've been around and will always be.There is always a gain even in a loss. One must develop the dormant ability to emerge stronger from any crisis. Every cataclysm leaves in it's wake normalcy. Everything that goes up will always come down. The law of gravity is not defunct yet :-) Emotions might make sense at the moment and seem justified, but they sound as stupid, if not more, when looked at from the hindsight. And someone rightly said- "They take you to places, you ought not to be going to". If it sounds like this is being cold or insensitive, then that would be an incorrect diagnosis. But being phlegmatical to a certain extent is healthy. If being a doormat is an unacceptable career option, then we have to latch on to objectivity. If we don't set the rules of acceptability and non-acceptability, someone else will. It's our life. We ought to live it up. During my training, one of my teachers once said, that we must be empathetic not sympathetic, every time, especially with mortals who don't matter. He illustrated it with a very nice example. He said, being empathetic means, you feel bad for someone and identify with him, but being sympathetic means all of the above plus sitting down with him and crying. Cute ain't it :-) Hats off to him for passing on the little pearl of wisdom.

The Age of Loneliness

If only we’d make peace with life by giving up resistance. A saint once counseled “Expect little, accept all". It takes a lot to practice the former and either a highly submissive or overly spiritual person to be the latter. When things don’t align with our perspective (skewed or straight), we have this tendency of putting up stiff resistance in a bid to better our lot (or our perception of what’s good for us). We don’t accept things lying down. Maybe, that is what all the super achievers have in common. Fighting against all odds to do what must be done. So are the saints of yore wrong, or have their sayings lost their significance in today’s troubled times? Does making peace with our lot in life make profound sense or is it being submissive and sparing ourselves the effort? Another something that arises from this is whether we have brought it upon ourselves or was it a pre-determined path, which we have to tread. Even a huge chunk of rock isn’t enough to curb the flow of a gurgling river. Sooner or later it will find it’s way. That is resistance from the point of view of the rock and acceptance of the will of nature on the part of the river. A peaceful co-existence of two I would say. The river doesn’t stop flowing because an impediment came in it’s way. This is accepting your lot in life and learning all the way.

Happiness to us means different things at different times. It also means different things to different people. How should we react when one or most of the ingredients to the recipe of happiness and peace are missing? Do we make a desperate bid to gather all the ingredients that according to us would make a delicious dish or do we try an alternative low fat, low spice dish? It doesn’t harm to delve into alternate and healthy cooking. This is accepting all that we have and making the best of it. Without resistance, sans pain and God willing for our own good. Definitely into unchartered territory, but the new place can only become likable if we are ready to let go of our visions of paradise. Who knows the unfamiliar terrain can turn out to be several shades better than what we had envisioned would be paradisiacal. It takes humongous efforts, but it’s all worth the pain. And like I always say…Some other time, some other life…Things will be as they should be, as we’ve known them.