Stressed and stretched- to the limit!

I'd wonder long and hard how people who said "I miss school" and "I miss the college days" could feel that way. What can you possibly miss about a time when all that you had to do was prepare for tests and worry about getting good grades and marks!

Sitting outside a school the other day, I caught myself saying the exact same words. Like they say- Never say never!

The situation is so different these days! I looked forward to my one week of training last week. A week of sheer bliss when I wouldn't have to work. No targets to achieve. No reports of your productivity and quality flooding your inbox. Just learn and relax. I'd come home and sleep like a baby! The Monday blues are at their worst today.

I can complain all I like about inadequate training and how we're expected to know 6 new technologies in 5 days and start implementing them from day 7. But who is listening and more importantly who cares! It's a mad rat race. Now it was THIS that you never faced in school and college. We had pathetic teachers but we had time to learn things on our own by bunking college. How do I convince myself to come home from work and study the same matter with which I've struggled for the past 10 hours? And study is the last thing on my list of things to do on the weekend. Call me lazy if you like. I don't have a very different opinion about myself either. I refuse to give 24 hours of my time to the company! Hell I need some me time. Some time to do the things I like to do. Lead a normal life. Spend time with friends (I do that whenever I get a chance, but that's so not enough), give quality time to parents. And for heaven's sake not sit glumly like a meteor hit me!

In college you could bunk. Damn the attendance. I wish it was as easy here. One of our biggest festivals (Diwali) went by and I couldn't as much as be home to celebrate. Reason- not everyone can be given a leave that day. Tell me more! I'd applied for a leave on new year's eve (2 months in advance). Ofcourse they denied my leave.

Ever so often I get those mad impulses to quit work and sit at home and do nothing. The idea seems so lucrative! But I also know that within 2 weeks I'd tire myself out by doing so. But this much action is something I surely don't look forward to!

I am so done with feeling stressed out. I was supposed to study this weekend to prepare myself for the war on Monday. I didn't do it. I saw movies all day on Saturday. Slept like it's nobody's business and treated myself to a haircut on Sunday.

During one of the enlightening moments I had recently, a voice within said "Don't bring work home". And I listened it. By not bringing work home, it meant not to bring the worries and tension and leave everything that reeks of work at the workplace. I tried that for a week and it had amazing results. I was calmer and so much more like myself. Today I seem to be going back to being that someone I wasn't.

The working of the fourth largest company in the world, doesn't solely depend on my already overburdened shoulders.

I know it won't be easy today and I accept that. I will try by best and forget about the rest. I shall not see the emails from my manager which talk about quality and productivity and all that jazz. I care not if I am doing poorly.

Until sanity prevails again, please take good care of yourselves and keep the stress at bay through yoga. Eat well and do whatever pleases your soul.

A little bit of this and that

Very honestly, I don't even know where to begin. The thought of boring my dwindling audience did come to me, but I have pushed it aside.

Have I become overly busy? No! I still work for the same duration. I am paid more, I eat more, fret more and stress even more. Do I need all that "more"? Honestly I can do without the fretting and stressing, sadness and depression. I don't need any more of that. Who does! But being a positive person, I've come to realize, takes a lot of doing. Realistically put, you can't be  positive 24*7. But the ratio of positive to negative is what you've got to work on. So that its always a positive figure and never in fractions. That takes some doing. Negative thinking has such a snowball effect. One negative thought attracts another and before you know it you've plummeted into a bottomless pit of despair. Everything seems hopeless, when in reality it isn't. It could ALWAYS get worse.

It's said that when you ask for something from all your heart and your intentions do someone other than yourself some good, and you want it bad enough, the entire cosmos conspires to give it to you. If you want to meet someone who is a living testimony of this, say Hello to me!

What you ask isn't given to you instantly though. At times it requires patience and time. And within that period if you start to despair and begin to think that your wish will never be granted- Poof! It won't be granted. Faith and conviction come into play there.

Alright. Do you need to hear that? No! Don't you already know all this? Of course you do! And what prompted me into going the similar route one more time? A reflection. That just when everything seems to be going well and you're happy again comes a brand new roadblock. God hates monotony, just like us humans maybe!

You can either sit and admire the roadblock for hours and days and weeks. And wish that it'd disappear when you reopen your eyes. Or you can put on your smile and your thinking hat and prance around the roadblock. Easier said that done. But worth a try. If it works once, you'll be prompted to try it again. And again. So for one tiny problem of your day-whatever it might be, however small it might be. Try being positive. Catch your negative thinking and nip it in the bud. Think of solutions. Have a little more faith in yourself. Believe that whatever you have asked for is on the way. Just looking for parking :)

Heal yourself

The words "Take care" are used so casually at the end of most of our conversations. But do we women really take the time to actually take care of ourselves?

We find the time for all the pressing needs of the day. Work , family, friends. But does that list always include yourself?

Do you take the time to listen to your body? Hear it cry out for attention? Have you wondered why you're suddenly plagued by that back-ache, dandruff, falling hair, and what not? Wondered why you're noticing it all only when it's all intensified and aggravated? Found yourself wishing you'd noticed it all earlier?

Everything else becomes a greater priority than yourself. But if you don't take care of yourself, how will you take care of and love everyone who is close to you?

The media and the world around conjure up images of a superwoman. One who excels at work and is the perfect mother, daughter, wife, girlfriend and every other relation. All of that is expected out of us. But out of the 24 hours, how much time do we spend on ourselves? How much time do we spend on exercising, eating right, meditating and doing things to nourish our soul?

Happiness comes from the little things and almost always from within. You know you are responsible for your own happiness. Then why not spend a few hours on yourself so that you can better take care of all of your responsibilities and the world's expectations of you?

P.S: I'm talking to myself here and am sure each of you women out there already know all this. This was today's realization for me and I just had to put the feelings into words.

Today's realization

That it is so very simple and effortless to slip into negativity, sadness and depression. It takes some doing to remain positive and remain optimistic in the face of adversity. Problems aren't new to anyone. Your problems seem humongous to the you. A kindergarten child's problems are as real and huge to him or her as are problems to a CEO of a huge organization. It is so much about choice. You can choose to drift in the direction that the negative thoughts take you, or stay firm and see the good even in the mess you are in. If nothing else, you can just learn to laugh it off. Maybe accept the situation. But most importantly keep the faith alive. Faith the size of a mustard seed. And never doubt the deliverance of what you ask for. You will notice it in the small things of everyday life. Suddenly you won't become a billionaire, neither will the world become a better place overnight. You will notice it in the small prayers being answered daily. Leading to a growing faith.

Long time ago, on  a post I had written, Wanda (a wonderful human being who reads my blogs no matter how ridiculous the content) had left a comment which said something to the effect of  "Raise you head high and remember to look up everyday". Since then I've always felt that whenever I do so, I feel so much better. Thank you Wanda :-)

And Thank you everyone for your patience with my writings and leaving your precious comments on my posts no matter how grim they've been in the recent past. I have not been responding to them off late, but I sure have read them. Thank you so much!

Faith the size of a mustard seed

"Truly I say to you, whoever says to this mountain, 'Be taken up and cast into the sea, and does not doubt in his heart, but believes that what he says is going to happen, it will be granted him"

I need to complain and vent

DISCLAIMER: This is going to be negative. Very negative. But I can't feel otherwise.

And you can seriously choose to not read it. But if you do, and manage to get to the very end, which should not be a long distance away, I'd deeply appreciate your valuable insights.

I am tired of being sad. It's getting so difficult to manage the stress levels. I am frustrated yet smiling at work. Monday sees me counting days until it's Friday and Sunday sees me fighting the blues. No one's pressurizing me with targets at work, but the perfectionist in me won't let me rest in peace. Ms. perfectionist does not understand that it will take time to learn everything and more time to master it. She also does not understand that it's unfair to compare me with others who have a fair amount of experience. She does not want to give me any time! And she doesn't tolerate mistakes. And here I am not making small mistakes but gross ones.  I would say her expectations from me are clearly unrealistic. Not that I haven't tried to reason with her. But she almost always wins. And I always lose.

If my problems had been restricted to the five days out of seven I'd be glad. In the weekend I want to oversleep and do nothing. Nothing interests me. Which is very scary. It's affecting every aspect of my being and everyone I hold dear. I want to be there for my loved ones but my body and mind fails me. I am plain disgusted with myself.

I wasn't earning as much in my previous organization and I had reached stagnation. But it surely wasn't as stressful. That much I know. This is more than challenging. Beyond overwhelming! People around have been very encouraging but it feels that it won't be long before I am yelled at for my incompetency. Someone will eventually find out that what lies beneath is precious little.

Why don't they teach children how to deal with stress in school. Why is work life such a stark contrast from school and college life. There you are worried about going from one class to another with good grades, here you're worried about making more and more. To secure your future.

You work hard, really hard to earn whatever you do. And you pay your taxes. Not for your betterment, but for greater comforts of your corrupt politicians. Damned if you pay taxes. Damned if you don't. Why don't citizens refuse to pay taxes until corruption is weeded out from the system?

40% of children in India sleep hungry every day and 50% of women are anemic. This is the situation 64 years after independence. What is happy about today's Independence day? Independence from what? I mean what do we have to celebrate about? I know the patriots of the country will want to kill me for writing this way, but you tell me. Am I not being honest? It pains to see the elderly beg for food. It pains to see children crying on the streets. The rich are getting richer and the poor poorer. Atleast the British built stuff that still lasts. Today our politicians can't even build roads that last a season.

I hope tomorrow finds me in a better mood. And may God show each of us a little bit of happiness each day to get through. I do apologize for being so negative. But I have to get it out and let it out.

Happy Friendship's day!

Here's wishing each of you a very Happy Friendship's day

The association with each of you is only getting stronger and the bond continues to grow deeper. I want you to know how invaluable you are to me and how much I treasure each of you. Thank you for making me a part of your lives and being with me through thick and thin. 

 

There may have been many occasions when you needed me and I wasn't around. There might have been many times when I took you for granted. I apologize for each of those times. I don't want to lose you to realize your value. You enrich my life in more ways than I can fathom. Thank you for being there. Always!

Needs some sunshine. You got some?

I'm looking for reasons, but I can't seem to find any. My list seems so trivially stupid. Does weather affect your moods? I am sure it does. I don't resent the rains, but I missed sunshine. All I wanted to do today was to hide somewhere where no one can find me and I can find no one. I've wanted to be there earlier as well!

The sounds of a distressed little bird at my window was my wake up call this morning. See it affected her too! Maybe all that she wanted was some coziness. Some comfort from the rough weather . Now I am making it very dramatic here. She mustn't have given it a second thought and promptly flew away when a shabby looking me stood up to look at her.

When you've no cares in the world, I guess you can truly enjoy the beauty that is all around you. You can enjoy the little pleasures of the day, which you'd conveniently miss otherwise.

You can choose to feel the drops of water on your face or look down at the puddle of dirty water which just ruined your outfit. One sad thought attracts another, and before long you've disappeared under the snowball effect your just created for yourself.

Have you ever run into someone who completely lost touch with you and said to him or her that he or she hasn't changed one bit in all these years. And then there are people who you keep in touch with, and feel that you're interacting with a new person every time. Is it you, or is it them. Is it their outlook or is it your thinking that is changing?

We're surrounded with people almost every second of our waking hours, yet why does it feel so lonely? Why is that connect missing with so many people? Why are people friendly yet so very detached. You drop by at someone's desk to say a hello and they begin talking to you about everything and anything as if they were just waiting for someone to listen to them. You call someone even when you know they wouldn't be available and when they return your call, you can't take it!

There has to be a method to the madness. Desperately seeking order!

Another realization....

As helpless as it may feel, at times, the only choice available to you is to stand and watch. There's little than you can do. What goes around, definitely comes around. As you sow, so shall you reap. Your live your karma in the here and now. Each moment deciding the consequences to come. You choose your future by living the present well. The good that you do comes back to you manifold. The bad that you do, catches up with you and never leaves sight of you. At times you do wrong due to the circumstances and at times use your will. What you were destined to do and what you end up doing by free will is so delicately interwoven.

There will come a time when every action shall be explained, every emotion re-visited. That will be the time when we'll understand the reason behind the key points in the script of our life.

Holding on to anger will only drain your resources. Till the time anger is present, peace shall always elude you. The moment anger gives way to understanding and forgiveness is when peace will tip toe into your life.
If you wish your wrong doer ill, there is no difference between the two of you. Let love and forgiveness be the shield that protects you from all the negativity in the world. Be of this world, yet belong to a place beyond. Be accessible yet detached.

Time off !

I haven't been regular here as most of you must have noticed. You are kind
enough to leave comments here but don't see my footprints in your space. I am guilty as charged!

My daily routine tires me no end. It is physically exhausting and mentally draining. I've often caught myself yawning in my trainer's face at work. Poor soul. Like Janine says, if you don't allow yourself to sleep, your body WILL catch up. In situations and places you wouldn't like! I've also begun to feel that if you don't break out of the rut to do things that truly relax or please you, your brain decides to shut off. Mine has been doing just that! I've an assessment tomorrow and I haven't studied seriously all weekend! I need a vacation! Make that paid please. Thanks! (Gee :D)

I long for a weekend when I don't have to study! When I can sleep without worrying that I've work to attend to. When I can eat without worrying about flab. When I can go watch a movie without worrying about the wastage of time. When I can read newspapers all day. Read all of your posts that I missed out on and comment on them.

Come to think of it, I've seriously begun to feel that a three day weekend could make a plausible idea. One day to realize that the weekend has set in. The next day to do things that you like to do, and the last day to recover from the blues that the weekend is over.

God has been unusually kind to have suddenly given me so very much. The reality hasn't sunk in completely. The hurried pace of events hasn't given enough time to think. But I am so very grateful. If God reads blogs, here's a yet another Thank you Note :-) Little things please me so very much. I will soon have my own visiting card and a name plate outside my personal cubicle. I already have a corporate email address. Proof that now I have an identity in this world. That I do exist as well.

If you've tips on managing flab and time, please let me know. I'd be very grateful.

Till I start to meditate, manage my time better and can stop to smell the roses, here's me wishing each of you great health and endless happiness. Take care :-)

Just a little prayer!

Gastronomic excess

It's a legend that whoever joins the company I have joined puts on weight. And this trait is gender neutral. Reason: Free food and zero exercise. It has a gym I haven't been able to explore yet, which no one frequents due to paucity of time. Three months down the line I don't wish to be pot bellied, but if I continue the way I am right now, that is exactly who I shall be. Our cafeteria even has a weighing machine at the entrance! 

All three meals happen in office and give me time, and I head to the cafeteria to sample the tea and coffee. Lemon, Ginger, Masala(spice), Black, with sugar, without sugar. Sitting on the same table are bread, butter, cheese, milk, cornflakes, and kellogs chocos. It ain't my fault! I plead innocence. After having three heavy meals in office I come home, and my Mom wants me to eat some more. My stomach lets out a groan and I leave it alone.

I am overwhelmed with how much we employees are pampered. From medical insurance to life insurance. From  a dental treatment to a club membership. My company is ready to pay for it all. It even has no issues paying my telephone bills! Spoilt rotten should become our tagline. 

Aren't you glad I ain't complaining for a change! I sure am glad :-)

Though I can't thank God enough for this life turning blessing, I still wanted to see him in person. I visited the temple this Friday and gave away some money to the poor. It seemed very paltry and I just can't seem to help everyone. So I shall do that more often. I also asked Him to help my friend just the way He helped me. I'm sure He will listen.

I agree this post hasn't been substantial, but if you've reached this far, I thank you from the bottom of my heart! Stay healthy and please exercise on my behalf while I do the eating.

New horizons

The calendar that sits next to me read "The three main ingredients of happiness are: Something to do, Someone to love and something to hope for". This was on June 2, 2010.

June 3, 2010. I was selected to be part of the worlds biggest maker of security software. I join them on 9 June 2010.

The enormity of what just happened has yet to hit me in full force all at once. It just refuses to sink in. It hits me in bits and pieces every once in a while. When I see my compensation details.. When I think of the email address I will soon be given...When I think of the opportunities that will open up for me...When I think how much easier it will make the life of my family...

But there is a tinge of regret and that overpowers these feelings of happiness. It feels like a crime to be so happy when my dear friend who also applied for the same position didn't make it. My friend's interview went as well as mine. I do hope and fervently pray that my friend gets a bigger and better opportunity elsewhere. And really soon at that. I find it difficult to be happy when someone so close is in the depths of despair and sadness. I really hope my prayers in this regard are answered soon.

I must have been famished in my last birth and must have died due to starvation. For if I could give brutally honest answers to "Why do you want to join this company?" I'd say "because I'll be given free meals which are exotic! There will literally be a thing called as a free lunch :-) Besides of course the remuneration which will make my parents really happy. Of course if I'd have said that, I'd be sitting here whining. But on the other side of all the frills is the tremendous amount of knowledge that I will gain here. And that will always be more than the frills.

All that I ask of God for myself at this point is to keep me humble and never ever let money get to my head. From now on, this will be a test I shall have to pass everyday. I am sure I will clear it.

Notes to self...

Conversation with God

I've often heard it said that "Whatever happens, happens for Good". I can site several examples from my own life to testify this. While I'm in the middle of it all, I often ask you to show me the good in what you do. You often take weeks and months to show me your intention. When I view the same situation from a greater perspective I've often seen why you did whatever you did, and how it was for my own good.

But this time, dear God. I don't see the good in what you just did. I've always believed that it's only gold that passes through the fire seven times. But don't you at times feel that you are straining and testing us to our breaking limits. That you are going beyond our limits of tolerance and patience. 

Why are some people given everything on the platter, while the others have to struggle to even get the basics? Don't you feel it impacts our self esteem and morale? You have taught us to get up and gather the pieces every time life deals a blow. Don't you ever feel at times that you are overdoing it? I've even heard that you test those who you love the most. It provokes me to sometimes wish you didn't love me and my loved one's so much. It breaks me to see my loved ones go through so much hardship and sorrow.When my tears flow relentlessly, how does it leave you unscathed and unmoved?

As always, I wait to see the light at the end of the tunnel. The silver lining to the dark looming cloud. I have the faith that you will show it to me soon. I am hopeful that you will show me a miracle. Show me that you do exist and care. If nothing else, tell me through some channel what your intentions are.

A warm hello to everyone!

It's been unusually long since I last posted. It's been three days since I last checked my mails. Please (down on my knees) pardon me for not having visited you. I realize I've missed out on so much. I promise I will catch up! (Eyes downcast)

Let me give you a lowdown on what happened last week. I had a long weekend, so how do I choose to spend it? By falling ill of course! In the peak of Indian summers, I choose to get fever. The kind on which paracetamol has no effect whatsoever! Is that it? Oh no no no. As if immense weakness and body pain wasn't enough, I get an eye infection too! Time check: How many days do I have to get well before office resumes? 2 days. Do I get well in that much time? You bet! Bingo! Temperature check in the morning I have to leave for office: No fever. Weakness: None. Status of throat: bad but can talk. Cough: Yes. It takes weeks to go away.

How am I now? In between my coughing spells, I'm good. Am I taking cough syrups? Oh yes. I've consumed half a bottle already. Am I getting better? Can't tell. Shall let you know. (What else can I talk about anyways!)

Now if I got better in 2 days, why didn't I bother posting? Because I'd get back and sleep instantly. My Mom would come and wake me up for dinner, and I'd wonder (in a semi conscious state) if she's taken an appointment before she talks to me! Now isn't that psychotic! Work at the back of my mind. Nothing else.

In the weekends I learn how to detect defects in  defective programs programmers write. So here I am! 

Now isn't this such a sorry post! I sincerely thank you for getting to this line. God bless you with good health and everlasting happiness :-)

Whatever will be...will be...

The future's not ours to see..Que Sera Sera...Maybe because seeing our own future might cause undue anxiety. Maybe because we might stop working towards goals. Whatever be the reason.

The fact is worrying about what is to come won't change it. It won't cause something else that we want should happen to happen instead. If there is anything worrying can do, is to materialize your fears and cause what you dread the most to happen.

The future's not ours to see.Point taken. But why in the world don't we possess the abilities to remember the past unless we undergo regression therapy. Why do we forget what we have to accomplish and learn in this realm. Hmm. Good question.

Someone once said that when you ask God for strength he doesn't give it to you. Instead he gives you opportunities where greater strength is required of you. (Pssst- Think twice before you ask! Kidding) And He will never give you problems you can't get out of. So there! That solves it. Someone needs greater faith. Faith that whatever He does, is for your own good. Faith that you will survive no matter what happens. Faith that what you want the most shall be given to you. Faith that He hasn't lost sight of you and continues to care for you.

Alright, I think I'm done with my sermon for the day. I do apologize for being so boring. Just being myself. For the life of me, I can't think any better than this at the moment.

Come to think of it. Some people are plain lucky to be born with 2 specific genes which are an absolute must for survival in this world. One for personal reasons and the other for professional reasons. The humor genes and the other is math genes. I unfortunately was born without either of them. I do have the knack to recognize humor but creation isn't my thing at all (Think I should make it my blogger heading). Math. I never flunked it by the gift of grace. We have nothing for each other. Math doesn't like me, and I have long tried to love it with my heart and soul but failed. I haven't given up yet. Because you can love Math, or you can hate Math. But try as hard as you might, there is no ignoring it. What beats me though is how in the world will the knowledge of how fast one train approaches another and when will the two trains meet, make me a better computer programmer or software tester. Or in what ratios two mixtures should be adulterated so as to sell it at a profit.   Wow! Alright I will not fight it. I hope by the time its time for my kids to learn Math, I have mastered it all!

This is me!

You've long wanted to associate a picture with the person behind this blog (Oh yea, like it's overly famous!! bah!). You've imagined her to be young, old, ugly, silly , bloated. This is who I am.

Owing to my paranoia, I might pull the picture off. That is again me! But if the paparazzi doesn't hound me, and the hired goons don't kill me, I might post some more.

Thought for the day though: We often look upon some jobs as high profile and others as menial. But if you think about it, every job big and small has it's own importance and contributes positively towards society. If the garbage truck doesn't come to pick up garbage for a week, life would be miserable. But someone's got to do it! If people who grow food, didn't do it, we'd all die of starvation. If we didn't have people work for us, it would be so difficult to do everything on our own. Everyone does whatever they do, to help each other out. Some get paid more, some less. Ironically, the so called low profile jobs require the maximum amount of hard work and the people who do it, are often not paid what's due to them. Which is so sad. Housewives don't have an easy life either. From cooking to cleaning, to washing to ironing, to taking care of family. They do it all. And never get paid. Here's to everyone who does whatever! Thank you for making the lives of others so much easier and happier! You are contributing to society in more ways that you can think of. I am proud of what you do :) I truly am!

Issues with adipose...

There is no denying the fact that the metabolism rate drops as you age. Even if you survive on air and water all day, the weight only seems to increase. On this very holy space about a year ago, I had proudly claimed that no matter what I eat, I refuse to put on weight. Sigh! Alas! Poor me. That was last year. The amount of weight I am putting on scares me! Gymming check (Ohk I admit- whenever I find time). Using the stairs all day check. Guzzling water check. Green tea check. Eating healthy check. Nothing. Zilch. No loss. Only gain of bulges here and there! 

I guess mother nature liked me better with the bonny baby looks. Slim just isn't in! A brilliant thought struck me the other day. Why try to forcibly fit into clothes you wore as a teenager? The baggier the better. Atleast it takes the attention away from the excess deposits of adipose tissue.

There must be a trick. Some magical herb eating which makes you healthy and doesn't even reduce the weight. In Google I trust even though it's competitor... Ehem. Never mind. 

Have you noticed?

It's been days maybe weeks since you had a hearty laugh. The kind where you have to stop because your stomach hurts so much and you run the risk of dying due to asphyxiation? Well, kind courtesy life and it's complications, this isn't difficult to achieve. Is it? Or maybe it's just me. Yea, it's just me.

And just when you begin to think how serious can serious get, you yourself break the self created mold. Why so serious! is what you ask yourself. And wonder what the fuss and high voltage drama was all about. 

Something inanely silly which should ideally just evoke a smile sees you in break into peals of laughter. The more you laugh the more everything seems funny. Everything. 

When phones aren't allowed in the work area, someone ducks under the table to evade the security cameras to call Mc Donald's in a different city to order burgers for lunch. Mc Donald's is in the building opposite ours. I haven't laughed that loud in a long time. 

You remember the time when in school the entire class was punished and someone made a funny remark and you couldn't control your giggles. You had to stay shut but couldn't. 

Or when you were drinking water and someone cracked an impromptu joke and you couldn't for the life of you gulp that one sip down.

I guess life has it's own way of telling us to quit being so serious, let loose and really enjoy our time here!

Growing older...Just maybe growing wiser...

As you grow older...

The songs you always heard as a child begin to mean much more than they did back then. It's as if you were hearing them, but not really listening.

You actually begin to put others first and discover that you've a reservoir of empathy in you.

You feel more deeply than you did back then.

You think more than you did back then. (And catch yourself thinking why you are turning into a chronic thinker)

You find that your body isn't as agile as it was way back then. You feel it cry out for attention and care. Body parts you didn't know existed ache. And obviously it frightens you.

When you were still in school or college you longed to work and be a part of the clan of working professionals. Now that you are there, you long to take a long vacation where work isn't on your list of things to do.

You realize that if you aren't satisfied with what's being given to you now, you won't be satisfied even when you reach "there" and achieve "that".

You actually start paying attention to those anti-ageing creams advertisements. You weight suddenly begins to bother you.

Weekends are cherished no end. Because it means putting your feet up and doing what makes your soul happy. If it helps, doing nothing. Which has remained the same though. Holidays were always cherished. But the difference is you now want them in moderation. Because you realize the hazards of excess. Excess of anything.

You want to make a difference and raise a voice every now and then. Sometimes the world around pays heed to it. Sometimes your voice just drowns.

If out of the blue someone asks you to list the things that make you happy, it gets you thinking- deep and hard. Because you've never paid attention to your own happiness. You've drifted with the flow seeking those moments where things fall into your scheme of things thus making you happy. You realize there is more to happiness than that.

You critically examine yourself and for the first time see yourself with lots of faults. Which you want to rectify overnight.

You suddenly realize that the list of things you want to do before you die, is growing. And not much is being struck off.

You realize that inner peace is what you need the most. Peace=Love= Wisdom= Happiness.

You suddenly want to undo the hurt you've caused to all and sundry. As if it's your last day on earth. 

You want to be a good human being. One that is capable of unconditional love and forgiveness.

And then.... after churning out meaningless and boring thoughts like those above...you realize that..

A bit of everything..

Disclaimer: The following post may come across as morbid and boring. You may skip it if you wish to.

I haven't had a holiday in a long time. My weekly offs are consumed by the course I am taking. I am not complaining. That's a life I've chosen for myself and I quite like it. I've taken two additional leaves since my sister is leaving. I am not too happy with her imminent departure. I know I am being unreasonable. Someone up there was kind enough to get her stay extended by invoking an airline strike the day she had to leave. Just doesn't feel enough :-)

It's after ages when I got to wake up obnoxiously late, and read the Sunday newspapers. That's something I love to do. Again I'm content as everything in moderation is perfect for me.

But there's so much in my head that just refuses to settle down. 

How fair is it to live your life through your children's? Expect them to be an exact replica of yourself or someone else's children? Expect them to have prim and proper manners and never voice their wants or needs? To always adjust and to always be submissive? Is it only when children have the above "qualities" can you call them obedient?

If someone were to ask me, I'd say that even though your children are your own life and blood, they do have a life and mind of their own. They are unique and can never and should never be "like" anyone else. Taking care of children goes beyond feeding them. There has to be an emotional connect wherein the child can confide in you and not worry about how you'll react and make life miserable for the child. 

Many parents aren't too wrong in their approach as they don't want their children to go astray, develop bad habits and end up in bad marriages. But somewhere there is a gap between what the parents think is right and the children's point of view. A huge gap. The times where the parents generation grew up was different. Times now are different. What was unacceptable then is acceptable now without killing the essential values. Some values, traditions and opinions need to be discarded outright because they are serving no good. Others have to stay where they are. What was relevant four decades ago may not have the same relevance today. Why is that generation so caught up in what others will think? When others clearly are leading their own lives which are too busy to deeply think about what's going on in yours? If something feels right to you, how does it matter what your neighbor or relative thinks? When they aren't with you in your times of trouble?

For most parents, children will always remain children. I would like to think this idea is very dogged. On one had you want children to be independent and responsible human beings and on the other hand you treat them as children who are incapable of making their own decisions. How old is old enough? When do you know that you have to let go? Why is letting go so excruciatingly difficult? Why must you feel the need to control every move of your child when your child has never given you an opportunity to distrust his or her doings? When they have always acted beyond their age in terms of maturity? When they have always been submissive and never shown one instance of bad judgement? When can you trust your children to make their own decisions? Right from what clothes they can buy to who they can marry?

Have you noticed how the things that appeal to you now, continue to appeal to you even when you grow up? The music you heard, the food you ate, the movies you grew up on, the values that you were brought up with? With age, there comes a reluctance to accept anything new. You will still stick to what you like best and not explore the new. No harm in doing that. But the problem arises when you want your children to adhere to what you think is best too. No deviations allowed. Has the realization ever dawned how stifling and suffocating it can become for the child?

Alright, and why such morbidity and parenting talk, when I haven't even been there and done that? Let's just say I wish to leave that unanswered :-) Just random thoughts which wouldn't settle down until "probably" they were put down in words.

I rediscovered..

How you are responsible for your own happiness. That it is you and only you who needs to switch from I-am-sad-and-the-world-is-so-bad mode to I-am-happy-and-I-can-still-find-so-much-goodness-in-the-world mode (and let me distract myself by concentrating on the good things). People will disappoint you and their words will scar. They will let you down and never live up to your expectations. And they will do it over and over. How long you wish to remain down in the dumps is up to you though.

Why don't we just let the tiny things be and get on with it. Why must be bother ourselves silly to the point of depression over things we've no control over. If you can't do anything about it, the least you can do is not worry. Worrying won't change things to your liking! Maybe with time, what you fussed over won't matter. Maybe it will have sorted itself out. Maybe you will get the strength to deal with it.

How long will it take for something I know to become a habit?

I am touched!

I wasn't feeling all that great when I wrote the last post. Writing is a catharsis for me. I write, knowing that each of you will read it, and offer your valuable feedback and suggestions, to bail me out of whatever is bothering me. I was bowled over by the responses I got. What each of you wrote helped me tremendously and something that has found a permanent  place in my psyche. 

Vicky said:

When I have little money, I give more to charity or some cause and eventually the money comes back around. Or I give of my time, or I work harder. I just try to give away the very thing I want to come to me and it helps. 

What you ask for-positive or negative, comes back to you many fold. Wonderfully worded. Thank you so much Vicky :-) Whatever you write makes tremendous amount of sense to me!

Bernie said:

They will come to you when you are ready to receive them, of this I am sure.....be patient my young friend, I know many senior people who have not experienced or received all that they asked for, it just may be a blessing in disguise

When I look back, I am indeed glad that I didn't get what I so desperately wished for!

Diana said:


 I believe that our rewards are in heaven. Those who get all that they want through the wrong channels, well, perhaps this is all the reward that they will ever know.


Which is wonderful to know and I am sure I will never feel cheated again. By life or by anyone else!


Wanda:


She introduced me to Bonnie's blog which answers my last post. I read it once, and am going to read it again. There was a line there that said "Those who ask a lot of whys have trouble coming to terms with and accepting reality".


I accept! I promise:D Think I will soon become her follower!


Jack:


Why so pessimistic? 


Can't always be good can I ;-) I have my good days, bad days, ugly days and wonderful days!


Jackie:


I think you are one who bounces back quickly....You are being prayed for. You are a strong young woman, and you will overcome. Love is behind you...love is with you...and inside you. Take hold of it...hold onto it....and take the bull by the horns and hang on.


Now that was something I've known about myself, but I've never had ANYONE tell me that before! You've begun to know me SO well. Jeez! You are such a blessing to me Jackie! Trust me when I say that. You are an absolute sweetheart and one of my most favorite grandmas :)  I derive so much strength from your support! God bless you and give you the world's happiness.


Correction: Each of you have no clue how much your comments helped me. And I derive strength from all of your words. On your blog and mine! Here's to our continued friendship (kinship)

Why? Oh why!

It's said that when you earnestly want something, you more often that not get it. But you've got to ask for it from the heart. God does not have to be nagged. But why do you see it not working out? They also say that it shall happen to you if it is for the greater good. What is so bad in wanting a better job, a better life, a better companion? Who is to decide? Who is foresee the greater good?

The good guys end up waiting while the bad guys end up winning. The sincere are supposed to work smart. While the shrewed lie back and relax.Those who employ shortcuts work their way up faster.Why is it such a dog eat dog world? I don't think it's fair at all!

Perhaps you're not ready for it. Perhaps you are. Perhaps you weren't at the right place at the right time. Perhaps you were and the opportunity still didn't materialize into something concrete.

Life isn't so cruel. Someone needs to show me some silver lining. And real quick at that.

A highly inconsequential post

This is the third consecutive day that you are seeing me here, and trust me I am as surprised as you! I have nothing to say (as has been the case from the time the world began) so you won't miss much, if you've something important to do.

I am trying to manage the teeny weeny amount of time I've got, so I'm being experimental. I have yet to visit each of you. You see the problem is, my readership has gone up so much, that I find it difficult to keep track of the zillions of you who read me (Alright, who am I kidding, but it felt GOOD. Correction: Very Good!) But I will get to you very soon. Slowly slowly. So kindly bear with me.

Life as I knew it, does not exist. I am busy and in some uncanny way, I love it. It is SO much better than sitting idle twiddling my thumbs! After a long time, I've great company at work, so that side is beginning to look good. Personal side, can look MUCH better. God willing it will one day! If only people accepted me the way I am. Warts et all. Whatever! Now why am I telling you about my life? Well! Because I've nothing else to talk about! (See! You know it! Now aren't you smart!)

The weather is so awesome these days! Early morning are THE best time of the day. As the cool air brushes my face, the peace and quiet envelops me completely. It's been a long time since I've been here! Now that didn't make sense, but that's ok. In life, a lot of things, don't make sense. You're not ok, I am not ok, but it's ok! (Free wheeling mind, needs food. I log off for the day)

Just unwinding

Hello everyone who is reading this, and everyone who isn't (Like what am I talking! Never you mind.) Forgive me for not visiting each of you as much as I would want to. Let me not get into the whys and why nots. A day shall soon come, when I do, what I haven't done in a long time- comment on your posts. Don't ask me when.

I've just gotten back from work, and my head is spinning out of control (I think I am exaggerating a bit). I couldn't think of a better way to unwind.

Some laws from Lord Murphy:

• All's well that ends.

• To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a computer.
• When in doubt, mumble.
• The best things in the world are free --- and worth every penny of it.
• If it seems too good to be true, it probably is.
• Bugs will appear in one part of a working program when another 'unrelated' part is modified.
• A 'debugged' program that crashes will wipe out source files on storage devices when there is the least available backup.
• When you need to carry a child they will want to walk.
• When you want them to walk they will want to be carried.
• When you bring the stroller they will want to walk.
• When you forget the stroller they will want to ride.
• The more potential a food has for stains the greater the coverage area when it is hurled by a child.Corollary: The more potential a food has for stains the more expensive the item of clothing/fabric/furniture it strikes.

I have bugged you enough haven't I? 

Just a thought: When your eyes are closed, and suddenly you smell something, you've smelt ages ago- maybe a flower, a cooked /baked dish, a fragrance- anything; it suddenly takes you back in time, and even the faintest of memories become clear? Didn't make tremendous amount of sense did it? Shall get back when I can think more coherently.

Busier than ever before

You really must feel I am some CEO/CFO or something, I am not. Far from that. 

What have I been up to? Eat, work, sleep, repeat. It's a vicious cycle, with one feeding into the other. Sadly, now even weekends aren't free. Enrolled myself for a course I long wanted to. (I pretend to study there, they pretend to teach me :-)) No, I'm joking. They teach well. 

On one side of the spectrum we have people who have no jobs.On the other end of the spectrum we have people who have jobs. The latter category are inevitably over worked, and generally underpaid. When you are over worked, it would mean that there is a hell of a lot of work, and you could employ more people so that the work load decreases. That would also solve the unemployment problem. Is is that simple or am I overlooking something? I must be! Someone must have thought of this before (I can't be that original).

Why is it that, at times, the people closest to you, misunderstand you the most? More than others who barely know you? Communication gap? Out of touch? Of course touching base again, and a lot of communication does solve the problem. As long as it lasts, it hurts like crazy.Funny, isn't it!

I have yet to find out what each of you are upto, so pardon my prolonged absence! I will be around and I will be back. Till then, stay healthy, enjoy the weather and stay happy. Every moment. As much as you can!

And here I am

It has been so very long since I last posted. And the reasons for not being so regular haven't been very different either. I was graciously given 2 leaves in addition to my weekly offs, so it's been the 3rd day today when I haven't reported to work (Gee :D). I have slept for 12 hours straight (maybe more, I am not sure). My family would come in to see me, talk to me (get appropriate responses )and go away and I lapsed back into a deep sleep. I've answered 3-4 calls in my sleep, and NOTHING would wake me up! But a message from the manager is different. I instantly woke up! (I had applied for another position in the same company and they want to conduct the test for me tomorrow)

I feel so refreshed!! The weather is SO pleasant. Neither too hot, neither too cold. Just pleasant. The beginning of spring I think. Stirs in me so many happy feelings of my childhood days :-) My sister first extended her stay by two weeks initially and now a month! Oh God is so kind for having answered my prayers. We've shopped and talked till I literally dropped!

I haven't been writing for so long, it seems I've forgotten how to write.(I never had anything to write about anyways) Whenever I've left a comment on your posts in the recent past and read back, there are glaring grammatical mistakes. Forgive me for that. I've still not woken up I think!

I started blogging in July 2008. I was egged on by a dear friend. Just to show her appreciation, she would read each and every post and leave a comment. I would write for her. Then somewhere down the line, she got busy with work and I wrote just to express myself and vent. I would log in multiple times to see if someone has left a comment or as much as visited me. And then one of by each of you trickled in.  I would jump up and down to see the number of visits go up and see a new visitor from far away lands. I am so proud to be friends with you and my dad always asks how each of you are doing :-) And you don't read for the sake of reading. You actually read. I feel so happy getting to your blogs and reconnecting with you. Through your pictures and your words. Life hasn't been easy. It isn't supposed to be so either. But each of you has made it so much easier for me. By patiently listening to me. I know I must have said this in several posts earlier. I've a penchant for being repetitive. I choose the same types of clothes, same color of nail paint, the same kind of earrings, shoes,  pictures. The works!

I don't have a lot to say right now and at times I wonder how you guys don't get bored of my writings! Here's a heartfelt  Thank you for just being there! And I shall be back soon :)

Serious Sleep Deprivation!

For someone who is used to sleeping 9-10 hours straight, at about 4-5 hours from the time I hit the bed, I'm just getting done with starters. I haven't gone to main course in this entire week! The last time I ate 3 meals in a day was the last to last week. Am I beginning to sound like a poor lil hungry kid, looking for donations? Oh Jeez! It does to me atleast! I do make enough (Just got myself a pair of jeans I don't need- Does that count as bragging? Sorry!), but I don't find the time to spend it! Am I working hard? Hardly. Infact I am forcing myself to work these days. If my organization were to come up with a  "The Most Disinterested Employee of the Month" award, I'd be the winner! If I say I loathe work, I'd be putting it mildly. Yes I am looking for something better, and as and when the world snaps out of recession and my stars begin to look up and the Gods above take pity and smile on me, I shall get another job.

If you must know, the environment isn't very conducive to happiness, when a manager and a Tech Lead who ace at screwing other's happiness are at the helm of affairs. Yawn. No bad experiences for me yet (yeah yet) but it disgusts me to see others getting treated like dirt slaves.

It's another of those days when I want to run away to the hills ( Surprising I only find the weekends to do that)
But I did have my share of great moments. Those hours when I ate. The time when I slept. The times I shopped with my sister, and the fabulous beyond description book I read- 2 states by Chetan Bhagat. Oh my I identified so much with it, I can give the writer a peck on the cheek in full public view. It's almost autobiographical and describes the great Indian caste divide, inter-community and arranged marriages and how love conquers all. Don't go by my description. It sucks. But do read if the first few pages appeal to you.

Coming back to blogger feels like reconnecting to sanity. No one talks, but everyone listens. A silent conversation. Wow!( What a line!) It is good to know how everyone is faring, and delicious to see people write so positively that you feel like discarding your negative thoughts with the next breath you take!

Just read my own post title and have an urge to elaborate. The past week has seen me sleep with my mouth open on my way home. I barely get to the door and am out like a light. I am sure I will sleep for a long period that day. Within 5 hours I am up with a head that hurts. I have tried everything to put myself back to sleep, but it's not difficult to guess it failed. Herbal tea, eating to capacity, tiring myself out. The works. And the one day that I was feeling sleepy beyond 5 hours (today= weekend), I have to wake up for an appointment with the doctor. Screw the world. All I need is sleep. And good food. Make that with cheese please. And spicier the better. Thank you!

HORSE SENSE

It can always be done

Seek and you will find

LATA JAGTIANI 

    Aman invited Mulla Nasruddin to go hunting with him, but gave him a slow horse and kept the fast one for himself. He sped away and Nasruddin lagged behind. Soon it began to rain and the Mulla was alone. He took off all his clothes and then he sat down on the pile of clothing. Once the rain stopped, he wore the clothes again and reached his host’s house for lunch. The host could not understand how he was wet while the Mulla was dry and asked him how this happened. Nasruddin answered, “It’s because of the horse you gave me.” The next day, the host gave the Mulla his fast horse and kept the slow one for himself. When it began raining, Nasruddin did the same thing and when the 

host met him, he was furious, because he was wet again and the Mulla was dry. He shouted, “It’s all your fault. I got wet because you made me ride that terrible horse!” 

    So, often we are inclined to find fault with our workplace, our colleagues, friends, family and clients when the fault may in fact be with us. It may be that we have done nothing to look for the best solution for a certain problem. Instead, we might be preoccupied in blaming others for our own inability to make use of what is called ‘horse sense’. 

    As the saying goes, ‘It’s not the horse that counts, it’s the rider’. The rider makes a huge difference. There are plenty of rags-to-riches stories. However, most of these point to the fact that every time specific, but inevitable, challenges arise — and they always do — the rider, perhaps like a poor but enterprising man, comes up with innovative ways to overcome these challenges. There are those who, at the very hint of a challenge, might have thrown in the towel or changed tracks, fretted and fumed. But the man who chooses to handle his problems the way Mulla Nasruddin did — who found a way to remain dry even when faced with a downpour — always emerges triumphant, whether he rides a slow horse or a fast one. That is, regardless of whether he has the means or tools to surmount problems, and whether or not his circumstances are conducive or unfriendly, he does manage to find a way. 

    Often, we are so obsessed with our problems that we forget to look for ways to solve them. Anthony de Mello recounted the story of a man who had lived for many years with a sage and felt that he had gained no real wisdom during his time of tapasya. He asked the sage why he had failed to grasp the sage’s wisdom. The sage replied, “When I point to the moon, you don’t look at it; you keep staring at my finger. I am only the finger pointing to the moon, you cannot achieve realisation by looking at me or my finger!” Being distracted, looking at other issues, agonising over the past, regretting your actions or lamenting your destiny can lead to no progress; the only way forward is to take what you have at your disposal and do your best with it — without seeking out the ‘villains’ who put you in that hapless state. Whether the horse is slow or fast, the rider who weathers the storm has to be a Nasruddin. For that, you need to think out of the box and act swiftly

(Taken from Times of India Crest Edition)

What a waste of time!

They lied and I fell for it! And how! End of season sale. Upto 51% off on apparel, footwear and accessories. Show me these words and I'd be there to pay homage. In pursuit of the perfect shirt I went there with family in tow. Scouraged heaps and floors full of stuff which wasn't worth the price quoted on the tag. I managed to like something and instead of a 51% off like it was the last time I went there, they wanted to buy two shirts worth a 1000 plus each and then they'd give me a third free. And mind you'd it's not applicable across brands.  Which means you can't pick up one Allen Solly and a second from Van Heusen or Annabelle. So sad. And this is 50% off? Really? I do suck at Math, but I didn't know I sucked so bad!

Well we went there in search of clothes and came back with groceries to feed 3 families comprising of 4 people each Have money, will spend. On things that aren't needed. They tricked me I tell you. Last time my sister got a shirt and I got the one that came free with it, and it worked beautifully. Poor me. Not like I am short of clothes. Ok tell me this. What do women do with so many clothes anyways? My cupboard can't accomodate more clothes. On second thoughts, I think I need a bigger cupboard ;-) Kidding. Indulging in retail therapy isn't all that bad. But doing that with heels on, is something you might want to rethink. Was I tired or what at the end of it!

Now after a tiring day, you'd want to eat nutritious stuff and watch the calories. What was my dinner? 2 plates  of mouth watering pani puri (A round, hollow "puri", fried crisp and filled with spicy water, which is made of tamarind and mint chutney in addition to a whole lot of spices) and dosa ( a  crepe made from rice and black lentils) My stomach growls for more as I see the pictures. Sigh. Good food makes me SO happy :D Do you see the grin? People eat to live, I live to eat :D I was on a leave today and tomorrow I go back to my hallowed workplace. Till I make an appearance here again. Bon Appetit!

Nothing much ...

The song that comes to my head is 'That thing you do'. It isn't hugely related to what will follow, but literally maybe!Someone once said that even if you do something for someone, you do it for selfish reasons. Ten years down the line, when you think of it, your eyes will still glaze with tears. Those little things, those big things.When you give away a sizable amount of your savings to get your sibling an anniversary gift. A gift you could never afford before. When you spend away your savings on someone you love, even though you'd rather save it for a course you always wanted to take up. When you stay up all night, because your beloved is grief stricken. When you are there for your dear ones, through their darkest hours and through their brightest moments. When at the end of the day someone tells you that they'd never have managed without your support.When someone discovers something you did for them, without you telling them.When you realize that you're loved unconditionally. 

There are some people and some things they do for you, which can never be paid back. Not in kind. Not in cash. They indebt you for life. No matter how much you do for them, no matter how much you think of them, you can never for the life of you do what they did for you, and help them as much as they helped you. When a thank you isn't enough. When words are insufficient to describe the gratitude you feel for them. 

You reach a point when whether your doing is acknowledged with appreciation or evokes a cold reaction makes no difference. You know in your heart that you couldn't do any better. You couldn't be any better. 

Such people, and such events make you look up heaven wards and say a silent Thank You. For a life full of the love of such people. When your cup of love overflows...