DISCLAIMER: This is going to be negative. Very negative. But I can't feel otherwise.
And you can seriously choose to not read it. But if you do, and manage to get to the very end, which should not be a long distance away, I'd deeply appreciate your valuable insights.
I am tired of being sad. It's getting so difficult to manage the stress levels. I am frustrated yet smiling at work. Monday sees me counting days until it's Friday and Sunday sees me fighting the blues. No one's pressurizing me with targets at work, but the perfectionist in me won't let me rest in peace. Ms. perfectionist does not understand that it will take time to learn everything and more time to master it. She also does not understand that it's unfair to compare me with others who have a fair amount of experience. She does not want to give me any time! And she doesn't tolerate mistakes. And here I am not making small mistakes but gross ones. I would say her expectations from me are clearly unrealistic. Not that I haven't tried to reason with her. But she almost always wins. And I always lose.
If my problems had been restricted to the five days out of seven I'd be glad. In the weekend I want to oversleep and do nothing. Nothing interests me. Which is very scary. It's affecting every aspect of my being and everyone I hold dear. I want to be there for my loved ones but my body and mind fails me. I am plain disgusted with myself.
I wasn't earning as much in my previous organization and I had reached stagnation. But it surely wasn't as stressful. That much I know. This is more than challenging. Beyond overwhelming! People around have been very encouraging but it feels that it won't be long before I am yelled at for my incompetency. Someone will eventually find out that what lies beneath is precious little.
Why don't they teach children how to deal with stress in school. Why is work life such a stark contrast from school and college life. There you are worried about going from one class to another with good grades, here you're worried about making more and more. To secure your future.
You work hard, really hard to earn whatever you do. And you pay your taxes. Not for your betterment, but for greater comforts of your corrupt politicians. Damned if you pay taxes. Damned if you don't. Why don't citizens refuse to pay taxes until corruption is weeded out from the system?
40% of children in India sleep hungry every day and 50% of women are anemic. This is the situation 64 years after independence. What is happy about today's Independence day? Independence from what? I mean what do we have to celebrate about? I know the patriots of the country will want to kill me for writing this way, but you tell me. Am I not being honest? It pains to see the elderly beg for food. It pains to see children crying on the streets. The rich are getting richer and the poor poorer. Atleast the British built stuff that still lasts. Today our politicians can't even build roads that last a season.
I hope tomorrow finds me in a better mood. And may God show each of us a little bit of happiness each day to get through. I do apologize for being so negative. But I have to get it out and let it out.
7 people were gracious enough to leave comments:
Stillness, the faults you see with your world are universal. The wastes, the greediness, the imbalance of those that have and those that don't. Money is the root of all evil sometimes, seems there's always someone that takes advantage of others, in order to acquire more of it. It's very distressing to see such unfairness, but that shouldn't cause you to have self doubt. Maybe something else is going on, a hormone or chemical imbalance, which leaves you depressed and a feeling of hopelessness.
I had a period of weeks a few months ago, where I was feeling very unusually tired and down... turns out I had a low functioning thyroid. One little pill a day had me back to normal within days!
It is perfectly OK to express yourself, we all vent, I do to my husband sometimes. Just don't ignore what could be a health issue, as well as the concern for your fellow man, that is causing you to feel so Negative!
♥...your friend Wanda
Oh Stillness, I just want to come and give you a big, big hug. I'm so sorry you are wrestling with such big things right now and feeling like its too much.
I think Wanda may be right in that you should have your health looked at to make sure everything is working okay, and maybe having a doctor to confide in will give you some more ideas for resources for coping.
Can you take a break or have a little time off? Or is there some kind of counselor you can talk with?
I hope Ms. perfectionist can give you a bit of a break... the company didn't hire HER, it hired YOU, a perfectly flawed human being, just like all the rest of us :) Sending lots of love xoxo... hope you come back soon and tell us you are feeling better :)
I can't say too much Tranquility as I am a perfectionist too. I do know this much for sure, it can be very unhealthy. How to get away from it, I don't know. I try but it always comes back.
As far as the taxes and all of the poor and starving, it is an unfortunate part of life. The world is not and will never be perfect. We do what we can and go on.
It's not unusual for life after college to be a little disappointing. The real world can be ugly and cruel.We just all have to learn how to deal with it.
I hope you start to feel happier soon Tranquility. You need someone who can make you laugh, that's what you need!
Love Di ♥
Hi sweetie, I am so sorry you are not feeling your best.
You know when we are children we are protected from all that is harmful or sad, it is only because as parents we want so much more for our children than we had. You were protected because you were loved.....nothing wrong with that but I think your point is why isn't every child loved and protected and my answer is they are but in a different way. They are special Stillness, they teach us to appreciate what we have, share what we have and love as deeply as we can. These children probably live and dream to have a life that you are living, to go to college and have a good job. Do not let them down sweetie, live the life they can only dream of.
It would be good to have a physical check up, you sound tired, run down and sad....check it out sweetie then if all is well, put a smile on your face and share it with all you meet. You will be fine, you are just adjusting to reality and I know this can be very hard at times. You are loved my young friend, we will always be here for you.
...........:-) Hugs
good morning TS!
hope this day finds you well :)
em
It's good that you vented (is this a word by any chance? ;p)
Hey, don't be so tough on yourself and you're still so young, you'll soon get good at handling stress, don't worry about that, just be happy that you're enjoying the job. Atleast it's challenging you every day.
It's 63 years, btw!
And what is so good? Girl, please don't make me bite your head off! I could easily do that, trust me!
Read the book 'A thousand splendid suns' and you'll be so happy to be born where you are feel good about the fact that atleast the ambience around us is democratic enough to tell the 'so called fuckers' to go to hell! Give it time, we're one billion people and growing! :)
P.S: Sorry for the long comment,hmmmm...naa, not really!
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